


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,163 (Part III)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [47]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 08:25:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8049265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The weekly satirical saga continues, as Ben learns that it's not wise to upset a Wookiee. www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,163 (Part III)

TATOOINE - Day 1,163 (Part III):

I should have known this would happen, but of course I'm a dumbass. Now, I have Chewbacca and Han Solo trying to blast me into a million pieces. 

PEW, PEW, PEW. 

I harmlessly deflect the laser bolts past my friends and against the canyon walls behind them. I was so distracted by what Boba Fett's agenda might be, and whether or not Han and Chewie were still alive, that it never crossed my mind that THEY would be the trap. I need to end this standoff before a larger ambush is sprung, or before Kilgore leaves the planet with his dozens of Wookiee prisoners. 

PEW, PEW, PEW. 

Han and Chewie stand before me with blank expressions on their faces, continuing to fire, as I continue to bat the blasts away. "Are we almost done?" I yelled to them. 

Chewie blinked and shook his head. "Sorry, dude! I don't know why, but I can't stop firing at you!"

PEW, PEW, PEW. 

"Oh, don't worry about it," I scoffed, "I've had closer friends do a lot worse."

Han snapped out of his mindless stare. "What the hell, gramps?! Why am I trying to kill you?" he asked, while trying to kill me. 

PEW, PEW, PEW. 

"Well young Solo, it seems that Kilgore has used the old Jedi mind trick on you."

One of the deflected blasts whizzed a little too closely to Han's head. "Jeez gramps, I said I was sorry. You don't need to try and kill me," he stated, while continuing to fire. 

PEW, PEW, PEW. 

"Sorry...my bad. Slapping the lasers away is getting a tad monotonous. It was a mere temporary loss of concentration," I said, swinging my arm back and forth as if I were playing a game of space ping pong. 

"Um, Ben?" Chewie began. "How are we going to stop?" 

PEW, PEW, PEW. 

"I'm going to have to reset your brains."

"What?!" Han cried. 

PEW, PEW, PEW. 

"Don't worry, it'll only hurt for a moment," I said, as I Force pulled the weapons from their hands. 

They automatically started running toward me, looking like they wanted to kill me with their bare hands. Han was the first, and I really felt bad about it because he was only a kid, but I flipped over him and in midair I clocked him upside the head with the hilt of my saber. He went down like a bag of mynocks, and fell unconscious. 

Chewbacca was a different story. When I attempted to flip over him, he grabbed my arm in midair, spun me around a few times, then flung me into the canyon wall. 

"Shit, man. I don't know why I did that," as he apologized he ran towards me again. I managed to stand in time, but he kicked my saber out of my hand. 

"You're not making this easy for me, Chewie!" I quickly turned, took a step up the canyon wall, and pushing off I launched myself, fists first, right at the Wookiee. 

Chewbacca caught me and began to hug the life out of me. We were eye level to each other and he began to head butt me, but apologized while doing it. 

"I..." THUMP, "am so..." THUMP, "sorry!" THUMP. 

At this point, I was done. I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head as he dropped me to the ground. He sat on my chest, which was bad enough, but then started to choke me. 

"Chew...plea..." I felt a few of my ribs snap and then everything went black. 

In the abyss I heard Han's voice, "Hey, Fluffy!" Then nothing. 

I woke up slowly. My entire body was aching. I sensed a few fractured ribs, a mild concussion, a sprained neck, and a few more cuts and bruises scattered throughout. This was everything you'd expect to receive when entering into hand-to-hand combat with a Wookiee, which of course no one should ever do. 

"Dude," Chewie's voice made me wince, "I'm like totally so sorry, man."

I focused my eyes and found Chewbacca and Han sitting on the ground, watching over me. 

"You okay, gramps?" Han smiled broadly. 

"I'll live," I said, sitting up. I nearly passed out as the blood rushed from my head. "Whoa. Or maybe not. What the hell happened?"

Chewie chuckled with glee, "This little dude saved your life! He knocked me out with a rock!"

"Wow!" I almost vomited from the pain. "Han, did you really knock out the mighty Chewbacca?!"

"Sure did, gramps." He puffed his chest out triumphantly. "When I came to, I saw Fluffy beating the crap out of you. I realized that I no longer wanted you dead, so I grabbed the biggest rock I could find and the rest is history."

"He reset my brain," Chewie snorted. 

"Yeah," I smiled, "the good thing about mind tricks is that they're limited to time and consciousness." Rubbing my crushed chest, I added, "Maybe next time, I'll just wait for you guys to fall asleep."

"So what's the plan, boss?" Chewie asked. 

"You two saw the Wookiees?"

Chewie lowered his head. Han noticed that his new friend was in pain and spoke up for him. "Yes, there were around twenty of them, and they were in rough shape."

"What do you mean?"

Han continued, "They looked malnourished, underweight, missing hair, the works. We have to get Chewie's people back from that monster!"

"I agree, young one. Chewie?" I questioned my depressed friend, "I know you’re exhausted from serving me my ass on a platter, but are you up to rescuing your comrades?"

Chewie bounced to attention. "Totally, man! You'd do that for me?"

I looked at Han and then back at Chewie, "We'd do it WITH you...man."

The three of us grabbed hands and pulled each other up off the ground. What a motley crew we were, all dirty, battered and beaten. We needed to replenish our precious bodily fluids, and gather our strength if we were to stop a Sith from delivering Wookiee prisoners to the Empire. 

"Okay friends," I nodded to both of them, "we have to get back to Mos Eisley as fast as we can to prevent Kilgore from leaving Tatooine."

They cheered briefly, as I thought about how the hell we were going to pull this off. I started toward the sandcrawler and muttered to myself, "And I really need a dip in a damn bacta tank, because I'm getting too old for this shit."


End file.
